Wonder Why It All Blows-Up? (by Lori Weckbaugh)
Has this happened to you; you’re out for a leaf-viewing drive, everything seemed fine when you left home, yet a few miles down the road your harmless question (where would you like to have lunch?) silence, a grumpy sound in a sarcastic tone— “How would I know where would YOU like to eat?” That angers you or shuts you down. A fine morning end with hurt feelings.
How do you recover?
2nd > Prevent danger by creating safety. Letting go of our responses seems counter-intuitive. Don’t fight or run? Are you crazy! I will die if I don’t do that. Yes, you must do exactly that, put down your defensive “weapons”. Why? Because they don’t work anymore! You flee they run. When you stop talking, they fight. You fight they hide or submit. In effect your attempt to stay safe is creating an unsafe environment for you and your relationship.
3rd > Create safety. In place of your “felt response”; try utilizing new skills to build safety and trust rather than danger, bewilderment, and emotional pain.
Four tools for safety in your relationships:
Danger destroys safety. Gift them with safety. Safety creates a sacred place in your relationship.
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